A creep and his melted candle of a wife open a tanning salon, and their whole family proceeds to kill their customers, neighbors, each other, and the viewer's patience. In the first three minutes, the creep interviews a job applicant and the wife kills her with a hammer. At least, I assume that's what we're supposed to think happened; the attack is so badly filmed and choreographed, it's apparent that the hammer never came near her. They didn't even bother to add a sound effect. The hammer takes a short, slow swing a few feet away from the woman's head, and she gently leans forward in complete silence. Jared Masters is a director who's fair to his cast, I'll give him that much. He doesn't demand any more effort from them than he's willing to put forth himself.

Let's talk about the actress who plays the wife. She looks like her plastic surgeon accepts coupons. They gave her Nosferatu eyes and lips like a babboon's butt cheeks. There's no way she can breathe through the pinched-in mess that's left of her nose, but maybe she can open envelopes with it.

After a couple more unconvincing murders, we learn that the creep and his family are killing people to make purses out of their skin. Their troglodytic son flays the bodies, and their incongruously well-adjusted daughter sews the purses. There's only one victim that they capture alive instead of killing immediately, so obviously she's the one who's going to make it to the end of the movie. Since that means she appears in the most scenes, I assume she drew the short straw.

I'm surprised at how many women were willing to appear nude in this thing. That seems to imply a certain level of commitment, but it doesn't translate into their performances or any other aspect of the production. Not that any of the nudity is especially titillating. You can see sexier women working the Monday afternoon shift at whatever strip club in your city is one violation away from a permanent injunction.

The technical incompetence on display here is absolutely stunning. There's a moment when you can hear the director say "Action" at the start of a scene. The audio is always either saturated with background noise or completely mute. Every fight scene looks like old people trying to lambada. "What about the soundtrack?" nobody asked. There isn't one.

The ending is so abrupt, I wondered if there was a final scene that they discarded because it was too poor quality to use; but the rest of the movie made it clear that such a thing would never occur to them.

No scares at all. The gore effects wouldn't fool a toddler. The only true horror in this movie is the abundance of botched cosmetic procedures inflicted on the poor woman who plays the creep's wife.

1 out of 10.

Seen on Tubi.