Valeria Lukyanova plays a sex doll in the most on-the-nose casting decision since Ann Jillian played Ann Jillian in The Ann Jillian Story.

If you don't know Lukyanova by name, you might recognize her face (among other things) as the subject of clickbaity fluff pieces that call her The Human Barbie. It was only a matter of time before her Instagram following caught the attention of some low-rent film vomitorium, and it was equally predictable that no one involved in the ensuing film's production would care enough to put any effort into it.

The movie opens with the kidnapping and evisceration of a random pedestrian. The implication seems to be that an evil scientist is killing women to build living dolls out of their body parts. You'd think a doll built out of real people would look more human than Lukyanova, but as Susannah O'Brien probably said, "We're trying to make a movie, not sense."

Next we meet Andy and Chris. Andy is utterly nondescript. Chris is his insufferable housemate. Andy's girlfriend Shannon leaves him after she catches him and Chris in the company of several escorts. Andy is so distraught, he contemplates committing suicide by overdosing on boner pills.

Chris comes up with a brilliant plan to help Andy win Shannon back: hire an escort to make her jealous. They order a woman from a website using Andy's credit card. When Lukyanova knocks on their front door, they don't know what to do with her, so they put her in the attic. Seriously, what the hell is going on here? They hire a sex worker, stash her in a spare bedroom, and then Chris says he plans to jerk off and go to sleep. This, despite the fact that Chris has an obsessive predilection for sex with hookers. Maybe he had a pang of conscience that the script didn't bother to explain. Either way, the guys' interaction with her is profoundly weird. A living, breathing, presumably human woman arrived on their doorstep in response to a credit card transaction, and they act like she's a packet of sea monkeys they ordered from a comic book.

Anyway, now Andy has two roommates, one of whom he's paying to not have sex with him. The doll starts killing people who come visiting. Andy and Chris fail to notice. They also don't notice that she never eats, sleeps, or blinks, or that her body is covered with sloppily sutured incisions. In their defense, the movie can't seem to decide whether or not the incisions exist. It pretends her T-shirt covers them, even though a shot of her bare arms makes it clear they should be visible beneath her sleeves.

This brings me to another glaring problem. I don't know what percentage of guys who hire a sex worker from a skeevy website will expect to see her naked, but I suspect they're somewhat in the majority. The evil scientist behind the doll apparently didn't consider that possibility when he half-assed her sutures. Not to mention the fact that they appear to be turning septic. I imagine the website's complaint form has a checkbox labelled "Escort leaked pus and stank of death."

After a couple stabbings and other events of little consequence, Shannon makes up with Andy and moves back into the house. The guys try to keep the doll a secret from her, and in defiance of all logic and reason, it works. Shannon finally discovers her after the body count hits five. Then the doll turns Chris into a zombie or something.

There's no discernible reason behind any of the murders, other than the mere fact that murders are expected to happen in slasher movies. The script pays a little lip service to some kind of occult angle, but doesn't seem very interested in the details.

I get the impression that no one in the cast has actual aspirations to act or work in movies at all. It looks more like they had a choice between this movie or a job in fast food, and they were willing to take a pay cut to stop smelling like french fries. Not that there's any level of talent or effort that could have made this shitty dialogue work.

The Doll is substantially less than the sum of its parts. Nobody expects a movie where Valeria Lukyanova plays a killer sex doll to be good, but it still manages to slither beneath a bar that Susannah O'Brien laid flat on the ground.

Incidentally, this is the second movie I've watched this year where Ron Jeremy plays a sleazeball who gets killed by a woman he's trying to exploit. And people say typecasting is a bad thing.

2 out of 10.

Seen on Tubi.